Camryn dressed Eden this morning because she thought it would be fun. She found out that Eden does not bend in all directions like a baby doll and declared that “dressing babies isn’t much fun and she even kicked me once!” Ummm..yeah, no kidding. Plus, Eden is totally rockin’ a patternrific outfit that is a dead giveaway as to who picked her clothes today.

Kind of makes me happy all the way around.

today is Little Love’s 1/2 birthday.  She is 6 months old.  Ummm…yeah—it WAY does not seem like six months have gone by.  But the calendar says so–and so do milestones.  She’s a rolling machine, raspberrying all over you if you are with in spit-shot, is cooing and “talking” like a champ, is beginning to regularly sleep through the night (AWESOME!) and she is the most mellow and happy-go-lucky kid.  She’s a super social bug—loves face time—like seriously lights up and holds amazingly long conversations.  She’s a super sweet gal…

my girls —seriously they are the most awesomest girls.  I can’t stress enough how in awe I am when I just sit and watch them.  Sometimes they fight and sometimes they lash out with meanness but the majority of the time—they really love.  They share with each other w/o being prompted.  They encourage each other when one of them is trying something for the first time and is a bit scared.  They cry for each other when one of them is hurt.  They call doctors “meanies” when they hurt a sister while trying to help her.  They LOVE each other.  Their love is much more pure and real than I really know or understand.  They don’t think like me.  They are “from” me…but they are not “of” me.  They have some of my DNA—but they are growing little hearts that hopefully will love graciously like Jesus–because they are “of” him — He made them…he is fostering their character.  I’m really hoping that they’ll rely on him a whole lot more than their DNA.  He designed them and for some reason he chose to send them through me…  They are a pretty great gift—even if they do drive me nuts and make me want to pull my hair out—I still vote them the most awesomest girls.

pic from mother’s day 2012  (oh yeah—and we are the proud new owners of a tire swing in our front yard—this just happens to be my favorite house addition we’ve ever made!)

while I was in the bathroom a certain little Eden child comes knocking at the door and screaming “peaz” and “oh helpf” — so when I opened the door this is how I found her. She had ditched her skirt in the living room and then managed to get her foot stuck in a bucket. Ahhh…. love her.

so generally speaking Mother’s Day and I don’t get along well–I guess I can say I’m not a fan.

Maybe you remember my ideas about this from last year / and how I spent my day last year. This year seemed crazy to me…  I am always torn on these national holiday type of events.  I kind of think of it… well, sort of like I think about Valentine’s Day.  If I don’t have a heart of love for my husband everyday then why should I pull it together and fake it on Valentine’s Day?  Is it really full-filling to fakely love or to be fakely loved one day a year? — well, it’s not for me.  Same goes for Mother’s Day.  If I’m not respected as my kiddos mother throughout the year—why do I want to have a show put on for me just because some random person petitioned for a national holiday?  So…yeah, mother’s day and I don’t mix well.  On the other hand–if there is an everyday respect for your spouse–then Valentine’s Day is sweet and lovely–it becomes a day of remembering and of dreaming and also of soaking in the present with contentment.  Not because it’s February 14th—but because it just is.  The same goes for Mother’s Day—if my girls have a heart that respects me and loves me everyday then Mother’s Day can be a sweet day of recalling silly stories–some WINS! and some FAILS!, a day for creating new adventures, and a day for taking inventory of the fullness that is family.  There is some really awesome potential in days like these I guess… but, since I have a head full of lies and skepticism—well,I have a hard time buying into the romance of it all.

I tend to think of myself as one of the world’s worst mothers about 96.9% of the time.  This makes it pretty hard to take my daughters’ kindness and love at face value.  My girls do love.  They are awesome little gals and I am fairly confident that they will become amazing, world-changing women some day.  I have no idea where they will end up and what they will end up doing—but what I do see in them already are hearts that love, hearts that open up for others, and hearts that desire to help—yep, if I can manage to not break those things in them then they will indeed change the world somehow.  Those are the things that touch lives and help bring broken things back together….  yep, I think these girls are pretty rad.  Now, I really would be an awesome mom if I could lay claim to their awesomeness—but I can’t.  I can claim some of their wounds–I have inflicted many a heart wound in my almost 8 years of mothering.  I tend to forget in hot moments that my words cut.  I carried them and birthed them—and yes, that’s a big deal.  But that is not where it ends—that’s only where it begins.  If I stop there and don’t grow with them and hopefully ahead of them I will forever be stunting their growth or cutting them down to fit beside me or below me.  That’s a really ugly picture of a “mother” if you ask me.  Maybe it’s simplistic—but I think I forget that when my babies were born–in their eyes– I automatically became some type of super hero with healing powers.  My kisses became magical and my words gained the ability to actually mend hurt feelings.  The flip side of that is when I disregard the power that they have placed in me —my lack of free flowing kisses actually leave wounds and if I use hurtful words I slice cuts deep into little hearts.  And then those become the gaping wounds that only Jesus can work on.  Forget mending—that is mom’s work (and dad’s work too and really anyone who loves…) but healing—making new—that’s the work of Jesus.    Well, on Mother’s Day I get the glory because I birthed these 5 amazing little chicas—but where my guilt comes into play is that there are SO MANY amazing folks that love on my girls and mold their hearts—and that’s a whole lot more important than how they landed on the planet in the first place.  My guilt comes into play because I fail at being for them ALL that I want for them.  Sadly I think it might just be misplaced guilt in the first place….I can’t be more for them than I am…I’m not supposed to be.  That is all wrapped up in the grace of Jesus.  There’s something sweet about that grace—it doesn’t give me a free pass to sit back and stop growing ahead of my girls—but his grace has a way of coming in and healing the wounds I leave on my girls when fess up and try to grow from there together.

And here’s a little fun-fact that I’m learning about—I kind of think the notion of magical kisses isn’t just for moms.  We sort of get it by default and by the simple nature of biology.  But what I’m learning is that anyone can spread around those magical kisses and mending words–anyone can do that if they are loving from TRUTH.   I’d much rather spread around the TRUTHy kind of love vs. the biological desire to nurture well….

I kind of think that might have been a very long rambling mess….

So, I am officially in week 2 of my training program. The first day of week 2 kicked my bootay! This week my jog time was increased by 30 seconds. You wouldn’t think a slight 30 seconds would seem like a big deal— but those 30 seconds of each jogging period just about did me in. Well, really it was the last 10 seconds or so of the jogging times that were really hard— especially during the last half of my training time. My last 2 jogging sessions were the worst. I seriously had a verbal war going on inside my head as to whether or not I could finish my jogs.  It was a constant back and forth of my will to give up and walk the rest vs. my will to keep moving.  Things like “just walk, you really don’t need to run the whole thing to say you finished.”  Or “no one will know if you stop– you don’t have to tell them.”  Those types of thoughts were countered with “go slow– keep moving– this will not kill you and you can make it.” not to mention the string of four letter words that were free flowing through my headspace. It wasn’t pretty! Oh God the drama that is inside my head.  Kind of made me feel a bit on the crazy side.  But, bottom line is— I did finish the jogging sessions w/o giving in and walking.  I did realize that there is a very good reason why girls like me don’t take up running– running sucks– but at the same time it does feel really good to already be getting better time and better distance. 

I did Week 2 Day 2 last night and pulled in my best distance and time yet.  That feels good.  There was also a whole lot less of the back and forth talk about me quitting.  And I only really struggled with the 2nd to last jogging session– that one did make me want to quit.  If I suck this much during Week 2, I’m really a bit afraid of what Weeks 5 and 6 are going to look like for me.  I also found out that certain songs are much much more motivating that others.  Setting up my own playlists will probably help me out a ton. 

Here’s a snapshot of last nights training log.  I don’t know how this time and distance compares to anyone else— but it feels good to me because it is mine and it is improving.  I like that.  For sure a WIN! 

so, I like to grow a little garden every year.  It’s just something that seems right to me.  I like to pack in as many varieties of veggies that I possibly can.  It’s like a challenge each and every year to make it better and better.  Last year my garden flopped.  Seriously flopped.  I blamed it on being pregnant and tired…I’m pretty sure I used the same excuse the year before too!  (and well…it has been true both times)  But this year there is no “belly fruit” action going on and so I am getting my garden on!  My girls have jumped on board for helping too.  The Bigs went with me a few weeks ago to a couple of local nurseries so we could get some plants and a handful of seeds.  They were even given their very own tomato plants to learn to care for.  Pretty awesome!  They are so all about these plants!  They are Homely Homer tomatoes—when the tomatoes are ripe they are supposed to be wrinkled and odd looking—such a great idea to give kids something of their own and on top of that something that is going to be weird.  They are hooked.  They might love their plants more than they love each other.

Berlin and Eden have been my trooper gardeners this year.  They have helped pull all the weeds that sprouted during the winter/spring.  They have helped dig and turn over the soil.  They have mixed and mixed and mixed fertilizer.   These two helped me put the very first peppers and tomatoes into the garden.

We spent and entire Saturday morning not too long ago getting those Homely Homers in the ground and also planting Berlin’s carrots.  Not sure why carrots are so important to her this year—but that was her MUST HAVE for the garden this year.

haha…I love that Berlin does everything with her own little flare.  She even works in the garden is her dress up clothes.  And I had to take a picture of her planting her precious carrots! She was so careful with each one!  I’ve tried carrots before and not had much luck with them….I’m hoping for her sake we at least get a handful that will sprout and grow.

The girls and I worked in the garden again this morning.  We are making progress…steady progress…but it is not finished by any stretch of the imagination.  But, we did at least get all the weeds pulled and the dirt is 100% ready to turn over and so the hardest part is done!  So far we have all of our peppers in the ground.  Only 5 of our tomatoes are planted.  Today we planted our basil — which completed our herbs for this year.  We also planted some okra today—which is a new one for our garden.  We also have cucumbers sprouting, our peas are growing and starting to put out their vines/trailers (I don’t know what they’re really called) that will help them climb the fence, our broccoli and cauliflower pretty much haven’t grown an inch since we planted them—not sure what’s up with that.  Our radishes are doing awesome and the few beets that sprouted seem to be growing fine.  So we are already doing way WAY better than last year.

this was what we grew in our garden last year:

nope—not a ginormous veggie—that’s a full on GIANT weed!  One of my friends said that “once it starts providing shade you can no longer call it a weed”…. either way—  we are already doing better than this.  That is a gardening WIN! in my book.  I like wins much better than fails.  Last years garden was definitely a FAIL!

I am so like the girl from the movie Signs only with half full cups of coffee left all over the house instead of water glasses. In the movie the alien was hurt by the water— I think coffee is a way better way to go.

bring on the aliens.

so, in a couple of weeks my sister is getting married.  So excited for her!!! I am in the wedding— which means a fancy dress, fancy shoes, fancy hair– the whole bit.  A full jump-in-the-deep-end of all things girly.  And well, I will admit, there is a part of me that is a little excited to see what I look like all dolled up and spiffy— but then reality hit the other day when I tried on my dress.  I have to — like seriously MUST wear a strapless bra.  That also means I have to buy one first. Which also means I have to bra shop. (BeccaB – I so missed you in this moment!)  I called in a friend that actually enjoys all things girly.  She was a HUGE help!  Bra shopping probably isn’t fun for anyone…. it has always been pretty high on my list of un-fun things to do.  But, since birthing and breastfeeding 5 kiddos– well lets just say “my girls” are not what they once were.  Also, dropping almost 100 lbs tends to leave some lovely slightly loose skin in places that used to be filled up.  I am left feeling and looking somewhat like a deflated balloon.  So bra shopping has been seriously not fun.  My friend jokingly said to use duck tape to keep them in place and that is sounding better and better all the time!  I did get measured and according to the gal that measured me — the current bras I wear are 4 inches to big around for me.  Craziness.  I still haven’t found one that is comfortable and flattering….so I get to go out and do this all again…  can’t wait. 

And you’re welcome for me not posting a picture of this blessed event of bra shopping! 

Tips and ideas would be greatly appreciated!  :0)

so I heard a song tonight while I was “running”

Words to Build a Life On by Mike Crawford — it was good for my heart.  Give it a read and a listen.  I don’t think you’ll regret that you did.

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed are the poor
Blessed are the weak
Blessed are the ones
Who can barely speak

Blessed in your hurt
Blessed in your pain
Blessed when your teardrops
Are falling down like rain

Blessed when you’re broken
Blessed when you’re blind
Blessed when you’re fragile
When you have lost your mind

Blessed when you’re desperate
Blessed when you’re scared
Blessed when you’re lonely
Blessed when you’ve failed

Blessed when you’re beat up
Blessed when you’re bruised
Blessed when you’re tore down
Blessed when you’re used

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed when you’re heartbroke
Blessed when you’re fired
Blessed when you’re choked up
Blessed when you’re tired

Blessed when the plans
That you so carefully laid
End up in the junkyard
With all the trash you made

Blessed when you feel like
Giving up the ghost
Blessed when your loved ones
Are the ones who hurt you most

Blessed when you lose your
Own identity
Then blessed when you find it
And it has been redeemed

Blessed when you see what
Your friends can never be
Blessed with your eyes closed
Then blessed you see Me

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed when you’re hungry
Blessed when you thirst
Cause that’s when you will eat of
The bread that matters most

Blessed when you’re put down
Because of me you’re dissed
Because of me you’re kicked out
They take you off their list

You know you’re on the mark
You know you’ve got it right
You are to be my salt
You are to be my light

So bring out all the flavor
In the feast of this My world
And light up all the colors
Let the banner be unfurled

Shout it from the rooftops
Let the trumpets ring
Sing your freaking lungs out
Jesus Christ is King!

Jesus is my Savior
Jesus is divine
Jesus is my answer
Jesus is my life

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Give us ears that we may hear them
voice that we may sing them
life that we may live them
hope that we may give them
hearts that we can feel them
eyes that we can see them
thoughts that we may think them
tongues that we may speak Your words